Pause o'Menses

Want a word that's ensured to illicit a myriad of comments, moans, groans, eye rolling and jokes?

Menopause.

Go ahead, say it out loud. Get used to it. If it hasn't happened to you yet, trust me, it will; and trust me when I say "you'll live", you will.

You won't become a eunuch; nor will you become a card carrying member of some androgynous sect. Unless, of course, you're a huge David Bowie fan. I hear he's the president.

So, here are a few of the little goodies you can look forward to; as well as a few heartfelt clarifications.

Hot flashes

A wonderful way to keep your pores clean and your skin hydrated - really, really hydrated.

Cold flashes

What you'd kill for when you're having a hot flash.

Excessive bleeding

This is simply your body's way of refusing to "go quietly into that good night"

Mood swings

If you've ever been married, had children, or breathed air, you've already experienced mood swings. They're old hat.

Dry vagina

A dry one is preferable to a drippy one. If it's bothersome, there are a zillion products that you can squirt up there.

Increased or decreased libido

A Patek Philipe watch will increase your libido, and a bad hair day will decrease it. So what? You've faked it before, you still can.

Incontinence

Try not to laugh too boisterously. Instead, adopt an enigmatic Mona Lisa smile, it will afford an aura of mystery, and keep your panties dry.

Increased flatulence

If you make a little mistake, simply look around for the offending individual. Please, of course it's not you.

Depression

For God's sake, we're waiting for an onslaught of anthrax, smallpox, and the creeping crud. Who isn't depressed?

So, take heart, you'll make it through. Have fun with it.

Play "connect the dots" with your age spots. If they form an exact replica of Abraham Lincoln, you may be able to get on The Letterman Show.

Pause o'Menses by D. Gustafson. Copyright 2003. All rights reserved.
For more of the really swell aspects of aging, visit Mama's Secrets, http://www.mamassecrets.com

D. Gustafson is a mother, grandmother, daughter, ex-wife, artist, accountant, webmaster, and published writer.

Oh, and of course, we can't leave out, "over achiever". Give her a couple of years, and with any luck, maybe we can toss in crane operator and, who knows, possibly dictator of a small tropical island.

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